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Schnitzelgrog – It is a place near North-Hamlet.
Silent Football – Introduction
It is neither silent, nor football. It’s a great fun game for groups, and sort of difficult to get, but once you get the hang of it we promise you will not want to stop playing! [According to *YRUU legend, Silent Football was originally a British drinking game. This makes sense, as Brits hang out in pubs all the time and believe they’ve got a pretty good grasp of English, a vital part of this game. Instead of playing in pubs with alcohol, we always play all night, starting around 2 or 3am at ^youth cons, with the lack of sleep people have experienced by that point in the con mimics any effects of alcohol.]
Two or more players, and enough space so that the group can sit in a circle, allowing each player to see each other player. Realistically, it should have at least five players.
Each player’s objective in the game is to not lose. One loses by being the first to accumulate five penance points or the one with the most at the dissolving of the game, whichever the gamemaster sees as the way he/she wants to pally this addition or the game. (Penance point distribution is discussed below.) [But the real object of the game is for everyone to have fun!]
All players are arranged in a circle. One player is selected to be the gamemaster. The gamemaster will basically run the game and will probably do most of the talking. The gamemaster can do anything she/he wants, including making up new rules, or changing the names of players at any time in the game to make things more entertaining. Once everyone is arranged, the gamemaster should explain the rules of the game. The game is played until a player accumulate five penance points or until the dissolving of the game, which usually is accompanied with fits of giggles, or players fading into sleep. If a loser is declared (either the first one with five points or the one with the most at the point of game dissolve [not at the end of game dissolve a loser is only chosen if a goodly sum of the plyers are still alert]), that person will be asked to leave the circle while the remaining players think of a penance for that player. Something silly or embarrassing, as appropriate for the person and situation, is usually the penance.
Rules – The Circle
The Sacred Circle is all that exists. It is the players’ universe. Players therefore may not notice, watch, react to, or otherwise interact with nonexistent entities that do not exist within the game. Interacting with nonexistent entities is a form of hallucination, and any hallucinating player may be awarded penance points and advised to seek medical attention after the conclusion of the universe. If, however, the game is adversely affected by nonexistent entities, the gamemaster may declare a Holy Jihad, resulting in about half of the universe leaping out of its respective seats and chasing the now-existing entities down the hall, or dogpiling them in the middle of the universe, simulating for these entities the conditions near the surface of Jupiter.
Rules – Motion of the Football
The Sacred Silent Football exists only in the minds of the players. Starting with the gamemaster, the football is moved from player to player with a series of hand motions. During motion of the football, the gamemaster is treated as any other player. Everyone is silent(!) and respectful, for this is a game of highest dignity and valour. There are two offensive moves. They are the Fwap and the Zoom. These moves send the football from a player to another player in the circle. There are two defensive moves: the Shrug and the Shrodem. These moves refuse the football that has been Fwapped or Zoomed to a player. (E.g., if Judy Fanny Longtall Zooms the football to Glenn Beazley, Glenn Beazley may refuse the football by shrugging, sending it back to Judy Fanny Longtall.) No move may be used more than two times in a row. And the defensive moves may – FU…!NEVER FU…! – be used against one another. Just recite the following: You can Zoom a Zoom, but you can’t Zoom a Zoomed Zoom. You can Fwap a Fwap, but you can’t Fwap a Fwapped Fwap. You can Shrug a Shrug, but you can’t Shrug a Shrugged Shrug. You can Shrodem and Shrodem, but you can’t Shrodem a Shrodemmed Shrodem. And you may never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever Shrug a Shrodem nor Shrodem a Shrug!!!
The first offensive move is The Zoom. It is performed by extending one’s right arm and right fist toward another player, and making eye contact with that player. One may not refuse a Zoom by avoiding eye contact with the Zooming player. A player correctly accused of Zooming a Zoomed Zoom will likely receive one half of one penance point and what ever ells the gamemaster feels is appropriate(mabe a now name or something silly like that).
The other offensive move is the Fwap. The Fwap is performed by striking/clapping one’s right hand upon one’s right leg, or by striking/clapping one’s left hand upon one’s left leg, or a careful combination of striking/clapping one’s right hand upon one’s right leg and one’s left hand upon one’s left leg. Given players seated as in the example image above, if the gamemaster has the Sacred Silent Football, the gamemaster could fwap the gamemaster’s own right leg twice, sending the football two spaces to the gamemaster’s right, in this case to Bin. The gamemaster could fwap three times on the right leg, moving the football to Clowie Longtall, or once on the right leg, sending the football to advisor Tavish. For variety, the gamemaster could fwap three times on the right leg, and twice on the left leg, moving the football the equivalent of one space to the gamemaster’s right, to advisor Tavish. The same idea works when Fwapping to the left.
Limits on Fwaps
A player may fwap upon his/her legs in any combination imaginable so long as the following rules of fwappage are followed: A player may only fwap his/her left hand on his/her left leg, or his/her right hand on his/her right leg. The football may never be Fwapped more than three spaces away from the player doing the fwapping. (E.g., this is illegal: Right-Right-Right-Right-Left) (i.e., in the example circle, advisor Tavish cannot Fwap to Judy Short, or Judy Fanny Logtall) A player may not Fwap the football to him/herself, nor past him/herself. (I.e., Right-Left is illegal. Left-Right-Right is also illegal.) (Moving the football to or past oneself is called a Cold Rush of Air.) If a player has received the football via a Fwap, that player may not reverse the net direction of the fwappage. Such an error is called Reversing the Direction of the Fwap. Any other move nullifies the direction of the Fwap, so the next player may Fwap in either direction she/he so chooses. Excessive Fwappage that confuses players (especially the gamemaster!), may be punishable by penance points. A player correctly accused of Fwapping a Fwapped Fwap will likely receive one half of one penance point and what ever ells the gamemaster feels is appropriate(mabe a now name or something silly like that).
The first defensive move is the Shrug. It’s performed simply by shrugging one’s own shoulders. The Shrug refuses the football that was Fwapped or Zoomed to the player. Remember, a Shrug must “NEVER” be used in response to a Shrodem!
The other defensive move is much more elegant than the Shrug and should only be performed in a most dignified manner by the most dignified of players. Also, it has a funny name: The Shrodem. A Shrodem is performed by placing one’s right fist or fingers near one’s forehead, while placing one’s left fingers on one’s right elbow. A Shrodem must NEVER be used against a Shrug! Repeat: A player must NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, NEVER EVER NEVER EVER NEVER SHRUG A SHRODEM NOR SHRODEM A SHRUG, for this is The Most Heinous crime in the entire game of Silent Football, and will reduce the universe to a pile of ash and rubble, ending the game for eternity. Also, that player will immediately lose.
Rules – Discussion
If a player happens to make an error during motion of the Sacred Silent Football, or speaks out of turn, hallucinates some nonexistent entity, or performs some unnecessary motion (such as sticking one’s toe into one’s mouth), or otherwise violates any rule contrary to the fine upstandingly values of Silent Football, another player may attempt to tattle upon that player. To tattle, a player must raise his or her own hand, and silently wait to be acknowledged by the gamemaster. Let’s say, for example, advisor Tavish felt inspired to ignore the football, and instead suck on his big toe. An example tattle may go like this: [The Hunk raises his hand.] Mr Dictater: “Mr The Hunk?” [At this point, the motion of the football immediately stops. All attention is given to the discussion.]The Hunk: “Mr Dictater, Mr advisor Tavish has put Mr advisor Tavish’s big toe into Mr advisor Tavish’s mouth.” Mr gamemaster: “Mr The Honk is correct. Mr advisor Tavish receives one half of one penance point for putting Mr advisor Tavish’s toe into Mr advisor Tavish’s mouth. Mr advisor Tavish’s is asked to keep all of Mr advisor Tavish’s toes carefully aligned on the ground.” The preceding dialogue includes two important rules of discussion: When acknowledged by the gamemaster, the first thing out of a player’s mouth must be “Mr or Ms Dictater” or any variation of words meaning dick plus tater preceded by Mr or Mis. When speaking, no player may use pronouns such as “he” “she” “it” “they” “we” “us” “you” “him” “her” “hers” “his” etcetera, except for first person singular pronouns, “I” “me” “my” “myself” and “mine,” and words which are not always pronouns, such as the demonstrative pronouns “this” “that” and “those.” See the second example tattle: [Judy Short raises her hand.] [Play continues until Judy Short is acknowledged.] Mr gamemaster: “Mis Judy Short ?” [The motion of the football immediately stops.]Judy Short: “Mr Dicktater,” Judy Short addresses the gamemaster first, as required, “Mr advisor Tavish has put Mr advisor Tavish big toe into his mouth like this, quote” [Judy Short mimics advisor Tavish by temporarily putting her big toe into her mouth.] “Instead of passing the football.” [Several other hands have just gone up, for Judy Short has made two errors.] Mr gamemaster: “Mis Judy Short is correct; Mr advisor Tavish gets one half of one penance point for unnecessary and illegal toe suckage.” [Mr gamemaster now calls upon someone else who has raised his hand.] “Mr Bin?” Bin: ” Mr dicktater, Mis Judy Short has just uttered the heinous and vile pronouns quote his.” Mr gamemaster: “Mr Bin is correct. Mis Judy Short receives a half penance point for uttering quote his.” [Mr gamemaster calls upon someone else whose hand is raised.] “Mis Clowie Longtall?” Mr advisor Tavish: “(ahem) Mistah Dictatah, sah,” [for our entertainment, Mis Clowie Longtall has chosen to affect a southern accent] “as entahtaining as Mis Judy Short may have been with Mis Judy Short’s comical and may Ah repeat entahtaining revue of Mistah advisor Tavish’s podiahtric consumption, Ah must infohm Mistah Dictatah that Mis Judy Short has willfully and egregiously neglected tah uttah the simple yet ahbsolutahly criticahl wahd quote unquote aftah Mis Judy Short’s pahfomance.” Mr gamemaster: “Mr Clowie Longtall is correct and Mis Judy Short will receives one half of one penance point for not unquoting Mis Judy Longtall’s toe suckage.” In the example above, we see more rules of discussion: A pronoun may be legally spoken only if quoting another player, and by speaking the word “quote” before it. This absolves the speaker of committing the same crime of having uttered the pronoun. The word “unquote” may optionally be uttered after the pronoun. If a player quotes a phrase or an illegal action, the phrase or illegal action must be prefixed by the word “quote” and postfixed by the word “unquote.” Making “bunny ears” to quote is illegal unless the game’s universe is rolled by a lenient gamemaster.
Rules – Names
Before starting the game, players in the circle may choose their own name except the gamemaster who is to be referred to as Mr. or Mis. Dicktater, but can also be referred to as any combination of words meaning dick plus tater, such as cucumberyam or hotdogspud. But not the gamemaster may never be referred to as anything meaning tater plus dick, suck as french-frypogo and snakespud The gamemaster may take as long as she/he needs to memorize all the names. (Sometimes it is wise and also witty to give negative penance points to players who use their own name, or the same funny name they’ve used for ages.)
Rules – Etcetera
If a player must visit the washroom, that player may use the washroom signal: waving their raised hand. The gamemaster will simply nod and that person can get up. At the gamemaster’s discretion, the player may or may not have to wait until the next round of Football motion to rejoin the circle. The gamemaster can change the names of players, or arbitrarily make players do (or not do) different things. [Like if I forbade Bin from doing the terrible attempt at a Hindi accent that he may just happen to like to do, and required him to do a different accent each time he spoke. And suppose I made Clowie Longtall play a guitar and sing each time she tattled.] So when the gamemaster is ready to begin the game, or to shift from discussion back to motion of the Sacred Silent Football, the gamemaster simply says, “Customary Tip of the Hat,” and “Customary sloop” after which everyone repeats “Tip of the Hat” and tips their (imaginary) hats and then sais “Customary sloop” and then has a drink of their imaginary drinks. All previous crimes, transgressions, infractions are forgotten and may not be brought up again. Only the penance points remain. The gamemaster may Tip The Hat and Sloop The Drink at anytime. Evil gamemasters may do this to prevent the gamemaster from being tattled upon for an error. The gamemaster can then add any more customaries she/he desires, and the group should repeat them as appropriate. When the gamemaster feels, enough customaries have been uttered, the gamemaster Fwaps or Zooms the ball to someone, beginning the Sacred Silent Football motion. That’s it. Have fun playing.
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