Tag Archives: Albert

#80. Judy And The Journal, Part Five: The Journal Made It To Unicamp

By: Devin Kira Murphy

The journal made it to Unicamp
Well to this day we still don’t know how
Was it in Judy’s bag?
Or was it whisked in by telepathy powered shack blimp?
Or was it mashed by Frank’s bar hands into a bole of almond butter and banana?

The journal made it to Unicamp
It was red by everyone and I do mean everyone including Kit’s spirit during the astral projection workshop
And some naked youth at the clothing optional beach
Yes it was even red in one of the caves by Stephen and Albert

And then, “dos anyone now where the journal is?” said Sophy
Had we lost it last night wen Harriet showed up and started steeling all our marshmallows wile we sat around the campfire singing folk songs like Joni Mitchell’s The Circle Game?
Had we…


#74. 9 On Friday…

By: Devin Kira Murphy

9 on Friday and all in a minivan
Man ant it all so vary much grand
Well that’s ’till the engine blows smoke

The engine’s blowin’ smoke so we’re pullin’ over
Everyone get out I’m callin’ a tow truck
Thank goodness this minivan is AAA roadside insured

We’ll still arrive at the con on time?
Hell no more like 6 in the mornin’
‘Cause we’re waiting for contact with a rental

Oh my rental has arrived, but something’s wrong
They have given us a Geo Metro car
We’re 7 and Geo Metro hold max 5

So I guess we’re just screwed aren’t we?
No sometimes the shack on wheels sows up
It always gets you to cons on time

And Stephen and Albert bring it to us
Yes there here to save the day again
We’ll get to the con all tied up

Tied up in hay from farmer O’Haybeard’s field
Or maybe with magic lickerish and movie certificates
Who knows how Stephen and Albert do it?

But at least we got to the con
Well with gingerbread slippers on both our feet
And hot papers growin’ out of our ears

#60. Judy’s Wedding Hangover

By: Devin Kira Murphy

In front of the pulpit was a girl with long hair the colour of a ravine’s wing in a dress,
Yes the dress she was warring was an overly poofy, sun faded, ones white mini dress style, wedding dress
Beside her was a guy with bleached blond hair in a baby-blue vinyl tux
Yes they where head to tow in Salvation Army thrift store fashions
At lest that’s what Judy remembered as she said Teena Coddleright do you tack Albert Bythebay to be your husband
Well she thought she had said Teena Coddleright do you tack Albert Bythebay to be your husband, but she was not sure?
Well maybe it was the wine, the peppermint mango wine that made her remember things that way
Hay you no wasn’t there wine at the wedding reception?
Oh well at least Judy was not the one who had tied the not,
Or was she…?

#52. Zero O’clock

By: Devin Kira Murphy

Zero O’clock
Time for the press release
Hope they can handle the revealing
Their asking for the news
Why did Harriet fly into Judy’s yard?
How was Teena and Albert’s time seeing the gnomes?
Well Harriet was fallowing a homing signal
What homing signal?
Well I can’t say just yet ’cause it is a mater of national security
Ok on to how Teena and Albert liked seeing the gnomes
Teena liked the gnome with the peanut butter scented oil and the long Santa stile beard, best
What did Albert think of the gnomes?
Well I’m not sure, but we do know he was made to enlist in the privet nose flout players militia on the way back to Canada and has not been seen since
Who is the Hunk?
Who is the Hunk?…well that’s all for now

#36. Everything’s Changing

By: Devin Kira Murphy

Everything’s Changing
Frank now with Betty
Everything’s Changing
Clowie’s now in YG
Everything’s Changing
Judy’s going to the theologian school
Everything’s Changing
Judy’s YG friends there going to the theologian school
Everything’s Changing
Bill had an accident
Everything’s Changing
The shack it crashed
Everything’s Changing
Bill he lost his chicken suit
Everything’s Changing
The shack on wheels it had to be white-washed
Everything’s Changing
Teena’s now dating Albert
Everything’s Changing
Their seeing the gnomes
Everything’s Changing
Seeing gnomes but not with Stephen
Everything’s Changing
Everything’s Changing, everything’s Changing, everything’s, changing, changing changing!!!
Everything’s Changing
Ah, ah, ahhhhhhhh!!!
Everything’s Changing…!!!

#23. Go Judy Go!!!

By: Devin Kira Murphy & Curtis Murphy

Who the hell goes to a con in a hatchback?
Judy does
The trip was paid for by Bill
What a thrill
The hatchback was painted an inappropriate colour of green
Some of the older members of the congregation found it offensive
That’s because they have bad taste
That was just Judy’s opinion
Her opinion of the food served at the neighbourhood potluck
The food was missing the dainty mixture of spices from east and west, which appealed to the crude taste of hipper youth group members
Damn Judy was mad
The green hatchback was roaring down Boundary Road, past the so-called sea shell gas station
They were trying to get to the con before the ridiculous 4:02pm lock in time
Who the hell has a lock in at 4:02 anyway?
Just then the shack on wheels showed up with Stephen and Albert to save the day
The shack always gets you there on time
But sometimes you arrive tied up in rough hay from a farmers field
But other times you arrive with a pack of licorice and free movie rentals for all your guests
When they got there, Bill put on his chicken suit, and prepared to storm the doors with Stephen and Albert
Who the hell are those guys anyway?
That’s when they were hit by sponges
At first, Judy was angry
Then she got excited
It was time for a lawsuit
She hadn’t filed one of those in weeks
They piled back into the shack, and headed for the offices of their favourite law firm, Ojie-Mulloid Touche And Wife
Ojie-Mulloid Touche was there to greet them with flippers on
But who the fuck is his wife anyway?
She’s always at the North Pole
I sure hope she gets her act together this year or a lot of little children are going to be very disappointed
Disappointed if they don’t hear the screeching of the shack on wheels pulled by eight tiny jarks on their roof that special morning
But Mrs. Touche came through big time, bringing them all gift certificates printed on fresh Swiss cheese
Of course they were gift certificates to the underground dining sensation, Broneil’s All Day Breakfast Falafel Emporium

P.S. Judy will now be taking a break for the holiday season, but she will return in the new year to try her case on the popular prime-time TV show, Judging Judy, featuring cases BY Judy’s or AGAINST Judy’s

Ho Ho Ho, Go Judy Go!

#21. Judy Goes To A Youth Con Worship Service

By: Devin Kira Murphy & Curtis Murphy

The service was scheduled for 12 midnight
So when it was nearly 1:47, the youth knew it was almost time to begin
They went and woke up the sleeping advisors, who were passed-out on the couches they had commandeered for the adviser sleeping area
Everyone gathered into the big room next to the sanctuary, joined hands, and began the ascent to worship, while singing the ritual droning of “gather here in the mystery of the hour, gather here in one strong body, gather here in the struggle and the power spirits draw near…”
The lights were dimmed, the candles were lit, and everyone was ready for the spiritual sharing to begin
Judy was excited as this was her first time attending a con at the Unitarian Congregation Of South Peel
As the theme of this service was spontaneous moments, the service began with the reworked Unitarian version of the highly spiritual classic,”The Cat In The Hat”
Then a South Peel youth got up and invited individuals to light a candle and say a few words about the hope they had for the future
Following this, a ball was passed around as everyone shared recollections of a spontaneous moment in their own lives
The service ended as it had begun, with everyone joining in a song
The closing song was the highly anticipated “we are the flow, we are the ebb, we are the weavers, we are the web”
The planned activities for the night ended with the frenzied post-worship group hug in Fellowship Hall
After the hug everyone went off to their separate nighttime activates, such as, crab wars, silent football, and wink, which Judy opted for
After the game of wink died down, Judy fell asleep in a cuddle- puddle with her friends Frank, Glenn, Stephen, Albert, and Betty a new friend whom she had just met at this conference
Of course, this being a CUC sanctioned youth event, the cuddle- puddle was an inclusive, non-sexual gathering, which obeyed all the rules
Good night Judy!

#15. Ramshackle Artist From Africa

By: Devin Kira Murphy & Joel Fox

The lakes were freezing over and the fish were singing and the storks were cozy in their nests
A frog-legged vision flashed on the horizon
20 goslings where chattering their teeth, but I was not scared in fact I was jubilant
It was music to my ears
The beat was 1,2,1,3,1,2,1,3…
Slowly I opened my eyes
Bill was there in his chicken suit
He had come to bring me to the shack on wheels
And he had come with slops of pig, salamander and chive
We climbed in to the shack on wheels and only to find Judy inside mumbling the Hooters theme song
Then hell broke loose as the shack went in to high gear
It left behind two millimetres of tire for the little chickens in the church out back
Half way along the ride Bill turned his head to find not only Stephen, but Stephen and Albert following them in a glocktrucker
Wim-bam the shack on wheels had run out of gas
So it was to the escape boats
Sniff, sniff Bill looked at Judy and Judy looked at the lack of water on the ground
The magpies where lodged in the wooden frames
There were only 7 ways to get out of this alive and luckily Bill or Judy knew none of them
But they could still become an elephantfish if they…could only…
That’s when Judy ran out of ink
She was forced to use the sole of her melting shoe to write the ransom note
She then became witchy almost bitchy, and that’s when she gave birth
It had alien wings, a spare wig and it came with it’s own flirting utensils
At that moment Judy remembered the lake was frozen and as the ice began to crack, she fell in
Then that’s when Bill went home to his wife and mother of 4 weeks
The reindeer were getting closer as Bill put on and took off his socks
Just then the vision ended and as it did Judy got one last glance of her baby drooling on the 7th century carpet